Real Programmers Use Gmail
I was recently having a conversation with a good friend of mine from the university. We were both students of the computer, or Computer Science majors as most people knew us by. During this conversation, I happened upon a question then that did intrigue me greatly: “What do you use to code?”.
See, this programmer (along with many others at my school), happen to use the IDE (the meaning of which doesn’t matter, but I DuckDuckGoed it, and it means Integrated Development Environment if you really care) of Eclipse.
Now, I understand that the use of Eclipse is quite common among many programmers, and so too are many other IDEs, like Microsoft Visual Studio and WebStorm. However, I simply cannot allow the glorious realm of Computer Science to continue to stray down such a dark and gloomy and sad and disgusting and distressing and disappointing and <all those other bad words> path.
I believe that IDEs are the mark of an inferior programmer, and only true programmers would a use system like Gmail to complete their code. There are many other ways of coding that I do find acceptable, like YouTube comments to private videos published by yourself or even by writing the code directly onto unlined and ungridded Tomoe River Paper using a Mont Blanc fountain pen containing the ink of various goats sacrificed to Steve Zuckerberg, but Gmail is a far more accessible and more efficient tool.
In order to explain my use of Gmail, I find it helpful to go through how I code, starting from the beginning.
I begin with a cup of coffee, black preferably (because black coffee, as it does provide a taste much like dirt, allows me to regain my sense of feeling as a programmer), before sitting down in my gamer chair preparing myself to code. I use a gamer chair, because it is the only chair that can handle the strong and strenuous movements of anger and frustration I make when coding. To match my chair I have a Logitech G PRO Mechanical Gaming Keyboard, Ultra Portable Tenkeyless Design, Detachable Micro USB Cable, 16.8 Million Color LIGHTSYNC RGB Backlit Keys (4.7 out of 5 stars, 1157 ratings), only the necessities.
I then turn on my computer and enter “gmail.com” into the DuckDuckGo search bar. After providing my credentials, I click on the compose button, but not after bragging to you (the reader), about my 17,345 unread emails (much of which is code previously created on Gmail). In the email construction box, I make sure that I put my own email address (GmailProgrammer4EVA2234@gmail.com) in the “To” section, to ensure that it goes to me, not to any body else. In the subject line, I leave it blank, because I don’t have time to write out a subject line, I’m a busy programmer after all! After this, I generally find myself coffee-ed out, and so I take some of my caffeine pills (prescribed to me by me, not my doctor, because I don’t have the time to see doctors, I’m a busy programmer after all!) and pop about 5 pills into a bottle of water, and another 5 directly into my mouth, so as to chew them.
Then I can finally begin to code, all within the text field, but sometimes, if I really feel like taking my programming prowess to the next level, I convert all of my paragraphs of code into one line and stick it in the subject field. This is a major feat within the world of computing, and so I make sure to additionally send an email with this subject line to my boss, with the additional message “Coming for your job next!!!1!11!1!”. When doing this, do make sure to consume as much caffeine as possible, as you don’t want to get tired whilst doing all that coding!
After my work is done, I close my computer, before heading back to my kitchen to make another (well deserved) cup of black coffee.
While it may seem like a lot of work, this is the true method of programming, and I hope that some of you lowly IDE programmers choose to enlighten yourselves, and join me on this path.
